Trigger Happy
by The Little House Scribe
Summary: In the dark of the night, the inhabitants of M*A*S*H 4077 have a vigilant - vigilante, who sings his intentions with a song from Weird Al Yankovic.


It was around ohthreehundred hours at M*A*S*H 4077, and the doctors and nurses of the unit were preparing for a little sleep after a night of surgery as the allied artillery and North Korean guns began to fall silent. Hawkeye, BJ and Frank Burns were all preparing themselves for bed when Colonel Sherman Potter pushed open the door to the Swamp, and announced that a platoon of North Korean soldiers had broken through the allied lines, and, though there probably wasn't much danger, that they should be vigilant. Colonel Potter then withdrew, leaving BJ and Hawkeye not very worried.

However Frank Burns leapt up off his bed, tossing his pillow into the air and other knick-knacks around, showering BJ and Hawkeye as they tried to sleep.

"Would you lay it off, Frank?" Hawkeye said. "We're trying to sleep here."

"Yeah Frank. What are you doing anyway?"

Frank didn't answer BJ, but smiled a lipless smirk, before bursting out into song.

"_Trigger Happy, trigger happy  
>Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right."<em> Frank sang in Hawkeye's repulsed face.

"_Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night."_

BJ didn't exactly think that was something to brag about.

"_There's no feeling any greater  
>Than to shoot first and ask questions later<br>Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day." _Frank brandished his smuggled firearms around as BJ and Hawkeye tried to wrench them out of his hands._  
><em> 

"_Well you can't take my guns away, I got a  
>Constitutional right<br>Yeah, I gotta be ready if the commie's attack us tonight  
>I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson<br>That oughta teach 'em all a darn good lesson  
>Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day<em>

_Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have  
>To blow you away."<em>

One of Frank's guns discharged and grazed BJ's cheek.__

_"Oh, I accidentally shot BJ to-night in the den  
>I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again<br>Now why'd you have to get so mad?  
>It's just a lousy flesh wound, Beej<br>You know I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day."_

While Hawkeye was tending to BJ's wound, Frank grinned sheepishly and fiddled with his AK-47._  
><em> 

"_Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet  
>Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet<br>I filled that kitty cat so full of lead  
>We'll have to use him for a pencil instead<br>Well, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day_

_Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away." _Sang Frank, as Haweye, having finished patching BJ up, rose to his feet with a growl and advanced on Frank._  
><em> 

"_Come on and grab your ammo  
>What have you got to lose?<br>We'll all get liquored up  
>And shoot at anything that moves." <em>Frank sang, gesturing to the still. BJ and Hawkeye were not impressed._  
><em> 

"_Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight  
>Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight<br>I always keep a Magnum in my trunk  
>You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?<br>Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day_

_Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy  
>Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy<br>Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have  
>To blow you away."<em>

BJ and Hawkeye, rolling their eyes and resisting the urge to scream, were relieved when Colonel Potter came in, saying that he just got a report from someone who thought they could've heard a gunshot, and that he was seeing if everyone was alright.

Frank tried to use his best innocent expression.

It didn't work.


End file.
